a round tuit

I learned this “matrix” decision-making method over 3 decades ago. It has helped me successfully process some of my major life-changing decisions. I’ve also used it in combination with my partner, and it truly helped to open up our co-decision-making discussions to include each person’s priorities, hopes, dreams, wishes, etc.

Prompted by a decision-making article I just read at TinyBuddha.com, I decided to share this matrix method here. It seems complicated the first time you use it, but you’ll see that it really isn’t after you’ve gone through the process once. Take it slowly, referring frequently to the example matrix I’ve included at the end, and all will come clear.

Let me know if it helps you!

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“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you won’t do anything with it.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Ten years ago, I stopped procrastinating. Lots of procrastination, then zero—overnight. Cold turkey worked for me. Now I hardly ever procrastinate.

Why the sudden change? How did I do it?

Lists and Procrastination

Like many people, I make lists, including to-do lists, reminders, shopping lists, wish lists, and my what-to-do-when-bored list. I completely rely on my lists to keep my life moving along.

My Dad purposefully decided not to make lists. He believed he could maintain his memory better if he didn’t rely on them. Could be true, because he always had a good memory.

Not me, however. I do seem to need lists to remind me about important to-do things. When I write something on a to-do list, I can get it off my mind for now, knowing I’ll have that reminder. So why not just do that important thing now instead of writing it down? Well, sometimes that’s not practical or possible.

But sometimes it is. Sometimes writing a to-do item on a list can actually be an act of procrastination.

Apparently lists and procrastination go hand in hand for some of us. My reason for making lists is to ensure that things get done, yet writing something on a list can also make it easier for me to procrastinate doing it. Once the to-do item is on a list, it’s off my mind—so it might never get done.

There’s something wrong with that picture. Making lists to remember to do things, and then avoiding those lists because of a procrastination problem? A deadly combo in terms of productivity!  

The Insight That Motivated Me to Change

Back to why I went cold turkey about 10 years ago. I had begun to notice that after I accomplished one or two list items, my mood lifted. I felt better about myself and about everything else. Even about the remaining items on my lists.

I had also begun to notice that whenever I was avoiding my to-do lists (procrastination), I became grumpy, moody, and felt a bit down.

That insight finally motivated me to tackle my procrastination habit.

I realized that procrastination is sort of like an addiction. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. For me, it’s definitely an on and off the wagon thing. Just one conscious ‘procrastinate’ can lead to a down cycle.

Being on the wagon is healthier and definitely feels better. Life goes more smoothly for both me and the people around me. I meet my obligations, both to myself and to others.

Tedious To-Do’s vs. Want-To-Do’s

I used to think that getting rid of my procrastination habit just meant facing up to the many tedious or annoying tasks I had been putting off. Sure, life is obviously more pleasant if we can avoid doing those things. “Why do today what we can put off until tomorrow?” Or so we think.

But a procrastination habit can also make us put off doing more pleasant projects. “I’d rather be doing this [fun thing], but I don’t have time; there are more important things I have to do.” Sound familiar?

When did fun stuff get demoted from being valid to-do list items?

We talk about our “bucket lists”—things to do before we die. But why do we have to think about dying before we allow ourselves to put those enjoyable items on a to-do list?

Many of us have somehow come to believe that the pleasant to-do’s aren’t as important as those “should” items—the things expected of us. Well, if those items are so important, how do we get away with procrastinating them for days, weeks at a time?

Yet we do get away with it! Maybe not without some personal emotional fallout, but often without anybody else noticing or caring.

So maybe some of those things are not as important as we’ve been imagining, at least not immediately important enough to bump those more enjoyable tasks right off the list.

The Key: How I Defeated My Procrastination

I no longer put only tedious chores on my lists. I also add pleasant, want-to-do items. Things like a specific craft or art project I’d like to start, a catch-up email to an old friend, an outing to the 218-flavor ice cream store, an afternoon of quiet reading.

My lists are no longer unpleasant or annoying. I don’t avoid them. That’s because my lists honor my obligations and also place value on my personal enjoyment.

Try it. Honor yourself and value your time enough to put those want-to-do items on your daily lists, in among the shoulds.

After beginning that key practice, I began to experience a pleasant result. Whenever I can’t face doing one of the tedious tasks on my lists, I pick out a happy-making task and it still gets me back on the wagon. I’m not procrastinating! I’m still crossing a to-do item off a list. It still results in feeling better about myself and about the day!

Now I watch for the downward mood shift that tells me I’m avoiding something. Maybe I didn’t even realize I was avoiding something, but I notice I’m feeling grumpy. I check in to see if it’s because of procrastination.

Then I do at least two list items. It’s so much easier if at least one of those items is something pleasant I’ve been meaning to do for myself. Then, yeehaw, the day feels better. I feel good about myself again.

It happens whether I select a pleasant to-do item or one of the more tedious tasks.

Another side effect—when I feel better about the day, I often feel better about tackling some of the less enjoyable items. An improved mood does wonders for motivation.

It’s all about building a habit of not procrastinating. Listing pleasant to-do’s helps establish that habit. Doing one of them gets me through the delay barrier. I stay on the wagon.

How to Defeat Procrastination: Summary

1. Make to-do lists.
2. Include happy-making items. Things you want to do “if only you had the time.”
3. Do two list items every day—or more if you like, but do a minimum of two.
4. Don’t skip a day—unless there’s nothing left on your to-do list! (If that’s you, how do you do it?!! I’ve never not had a list on the go!)

If you’re having a day when #3 feels tough, focus on the inevitable after-effect—a mood shift for the better. Keep your heart on that goal. And just do it!

You know you’re going to feel good about yourself after you’ve done those two items today!

Important: Please don’t promise yourself the impossible—that you’ll get through all your list items each day. That’s too overwhelming and likely won’t be successful. A goal like that could take you right off the wagon again, back to your procrastination addiction. If that happens, do two list items and call me in the morning. .

What are you procrastinating today? What items are on your lists? What pleasant want-to-do’s will you add to your lists?

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.” ~ Emerson

Author’s note:
This is the 3rd article I’ve had published at TinyBuddha.com. Thanks for reading! All comments very welcome. ~ Kate

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~ Buddha

I used to teach Adult Upgrading. My students were people who had never completed grade school and/or high school. For a variety of reasons, they were now ready to try it again.

New students would say, “I wasn’t ever any good at school.” “I can’t do math.” “I hate fractions.”

It’s my belief that our self-talk is programming ourselves for our statements to be true.

Those students thought they’d been stating the facts, not revealing programmed beliefs.

My work was less about teaching math than it was about coaching them toward a change in their beliefs about themselves.

“I never again want to hear you say you’re not good at math,” I’d say. I’d ask them to switch to “I’m learning math” or “I’m getting better at math” or “I’m working on fractions.”

I’d help them start to notice their own negative self-talk and then transform it into positive statements. “Sure it sounds weird. So humor me,” I’d have to say. “Yes, I know it doesn’t feel like it’s true. Not yet, anyway.” They’d roll their eyes at me.

I’ve read that schools teach fractions before many of our brains are developmentally ready to cope at that conceptual level. I believe this, because I’ve met so many people whose problems in school began around the time fractions were introduced.

Children’s developing self-images are vulnerable. Once children begin to feel stupid about a school subject, the negative self-talk begins. It soon defeats their egos along with their will to learn.  

My adult students did humor me, probably because I was such a nag about wanting to hear only positive self-talk. My use of pizza-portions and other grocery items as examples of fractions helped them realize they already knew about fractions and used them frequently in everyday life.

Gradually they’d begin to feel better about math. Many would even begin to enjoy it. Grade school math felt easier. Positive self-talk became natural. Other subjects became less overwhelming, too.

We all keep saying self-defeating and/or negative things to ourselves, don’t we! At the same time, we keep wishing it could all change. Well, it can change!

Affirmations. I’m sure you’ve heard about them. An affirmation is, simply, positive self-talk. It’s a statement about ourselves or our situation, phrased in the present tense as if the statement is already true.

Affirmations work to help us change. I’d like to share with you one method to start creating very personal affirmations.

1. Identify your negative self-talk and beliefs.
2. Create affirmations out of those beliefs.
3. Begin using the new affirmations.
4. See the “magic” gradually unfold.

1. Identify your negative self-talk and beliefs.

Do this in handwriting, not with a computer. Connecting your physical self with your neurons and psyche and intuition is important here. What our bodies do, our subconscious learns from.

Fold a piece of lined paper in half lengthwise, and then unfold it. Down the left side, write a list of those self-limiting statements you’ve been thinking and saying. “I can’t afford a vacation.” Or “It’s hard to lose weight.” Or “I’ll never meet the right guy/woman for me.”

Stick to one theme or personal issue on this first list. Write everything that comes to mind on the topic. Don’t think, just be spontaneous and real. It needs to be a stream-of-consciousness set of statements.

Then spend a few days listening closely to yourself, to what you’re saying, thinking. Ask a friend to listen, too. Add every negative self-talk statement to your list as it comes up.

After you think you’ve written them all, wait. More will come. As you empty out the top layer in your mind, the next layer will be revealed and released.

2. Create some affirmations out of those beliefs.

This next part is not easy, but you can do it!

You are going to write some new statements. You may feel huge resistance as you do it. Maybe you won’t believe a thing you write. Perhaps you’ll feel discouraged. You’ll probably think it’s weird. But humor me, just like my students did.

Down the right side of your paper, across from each left-side statement, write a new one that transforms that negative statement into a positive.

Examples:

• “I can’t afford a vacation” becomes “I can afford to take a nice vacation.”
• “It’s hard to lose weight” becomes “Losing weight is easy for me.”
• “I can’t save any money” becomes “I’m good at saving money.”
• “I’ll never meet the right guy/woman” could become “I’m open to new relationships” or “I’m ready to meet my perfect mate.”

The new statements must be in the present tense. Write “I am…” rather than “I will be…” or “I’m going to be…” Avoid using the word “try” because “I’m trying” is a self-perpetuating statement.

To get around your disbelief about writing something that feels untrue and seems impossible, you can write things like “I’m learning to….” and “I’m getting better at….” It’s still present tense, still a positive affirmation. Something like “I’m getting better at saving money” might feel better than “I’m good at saving money.”

3. Begin using the new affirmation statements.

Fold the paper in half again. Never again read the left side. Ignore it forever.

Post the folded paper, positive-statements on top, somewhere you’ll see it often. Above the toilet paper roll. Over the kitchen sink. Read your affirmations from time to time, but there’s no need to dwell on your list. It is simply an occasional reminder that you’re transforming your thinking.

If you catch yourself thinking or saying any of your old (negative) beliefs, stop yourself. Transform it into the positive, right then and there.

Ask your family and friends to help by simply pointing out any negative self-descriptions when you say them. When they do, transform the negative to the positive immediately, and say the new statement aloud to them.

You’re literally changing your mind.

4. See the “magic” gradually unfold.

The “magic” will happen, if you do the first three tasks. Truly! I’ve done this ever since I learned how, and I promise you it absolutely works. I have a good and happy life and things generally go my way. I believe it’s because I do this kind of work ongoingly.

Soon you will not only say you’re good at handling money (or whatever your issue is), but you’ll also begin to believe it and—here’s the magic—one day you’ll notice that you are good at it!

The negative statements will gradually disappear from your mind.

If you stick with this, what’s absolutely true is that:

• When you write it, the magic begins.
• After you write it, you can start reading it.
• When you start reading it, you’ll be able to start saying it.
• When you start saying it, you start hearing it.
• When you start hearing it, you start to believe it.
• When you believe it, things begin to change.
• When things begin to change, you will understand. And believe.

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.” ~ Goethe

Author’s note:
I’m still very excited about having my articles published at TinyBuddha.com. This is the 2nd one that was selected to appear there. Thanks for reading! All comments very welcome. ~ Kate

Photo by seeveearr